Billionaire throws all money away on a computer drawing tablet!
The world's 3rd baldest billionaire in the world, Zeb Goertzel, withdrew from his high title by spending all
seven billion dollars of his on the world's best drawing tablet. "It wasn't even that good", exclaimed
Zebulon, who was sitting in a cardboard box begging for money. The tablet lay broken on the ground.

Steak Sauce could be the answer.
Why is the world such a sad-filled place? What is the cure to cancer? When will the singularity finish 
up already? Why is George Bush so ugly? Top Scientists around JAH TURTLE may have found the answer already.
They put cockroaches in a jar with steak sauce smeared on the sides. The roach world in that jar was no longer
a sad-filled place. A man who ate lots of steak sauce was cured of cancer. The singularity started AND ended
while reality was eating steak sauce. George bush got ugly from eating steak sauce! As the government verifies 
that these statistics are correct, we can only wait and hope that these questions have been answered permanently.

Buddhist Chess take fame!
Chess-worshipping monks from around the world awoke one morn to realise that chess is too 
hard for simple-minded humans and it was based on war! This is why the new game is out! Buddha Chess! 
All The pawns become violent monks. The kings and queens become bodhisattvas. The Knights become
Dalai Lamas. The bishops become hippies and the castles become temples.
Only one extra piece is required, Buddha! Buddha takes up four squares in the very center. He can only 
move one square at a time. He can use peaceful negotiation to move any piece anywher that's still on
the board. Buddha is invincible. The goal is to peacefully negotiate, or kill their king.
Some people claim this game to be "Stupid" and "Boring". Those people are called buttheads! The game is
a healthy, wholesome, fun alternative!!!

The Mafia Puppies attempt a getaway!
The Mafia Puppies jumped the jailyard fence and got away. The guards quickly noticed and began a
chase. Cheops managed to beat up one innocent before the guards dragged the pups to their cells and
gave them fifty lashes. Zebulon Goertzel installed and ulimatron security on the fences so that the dogs
wouldn't make it away next time.

Savage worm-eating monster jailed!
The rumors about a horrible monster who eats worms have been cleared up. The worm-eating turtle has
been caught red-handed eating worms. First, she claws down on her victim, disabling escape. Then, she 
sucks the worm up like a noodle, and clamps down. She swallows it bit by bit, savoring each bite with
all care. To see a video of this, click HERE.

She's been locked up. She's usually in a glass cage. Occasionally she is allowed out with a guard or
two to make sure she doesn't eat worms. One of her victims is unknown. The other one, Arnold Vtiuctt 
made it away with some major injuries.

Mafia Puppies hit the media!
The Mafia puppies article recieved so much praise that it's being made into
a movie! JAH TURTLE's lead animators are all gathering together to make a cartoon
featuring The Puppy Mafia from its humble beginnings to its golden days and ends with the
imprisonment of two very naughty doggies!

The Puppy Mafia's dark secrets revealed!
 Mafia boss Cheops and his confused son, Lightning, were both caught chewing on an innocent
victim's bone. Two helpful detectives, Agent Z and Agent S investigated the case and found out the
whole story. 

Cheops, a black schipperke, knew he was getting too old for his Mafia boss role. He needed a
replacement. He and Lacy, a Japanese spitz-ish dog, had three children. Two twin brothers, Lightning 
and Thunder, and a daughter, Rain, were born. Lacy was at the time involved in the Puppy Mafia too. 
She had a deadly mission to assasinate three rival Dogs. She Attacked well, but 
barely made it away with her life. Lacy had a severe Leg injury and retired from the Mafia.
Cheops favored Thunder over the other puppies. When the time came, Cheops told Thunder to kill them off.
Thunder was eager to replace his father, and he brought his siblings out to the porch. They had their leashes
on from the walk they just got back from. While Cheops distracted Rain and Lightning, Thunder Tied their
leashes to the porch. They were dropped down and began choking. Cheops fled the scene, while Thunder stayed
and acted up a 'worried' face. Soon Zebulon Goertzel came along and rescued the puppies. Thunder and
Rain were sent away to work on other kinds of dirty work. Lacy went away to be a couch potato.

Cheops and Lightning were the only ones left. Cheops gave up on Thunder and decided to make
Lightning into his replacement. Lightning wanted to be an hunting Dog. But his father beat and mauled him
until Lightning gave in. They Victimised many and became a powerful Mafia force. This is where Agent S and
Agent Z began investigating. They caught the dogs red-handed and now the dogs are in the toughest jail around:
QI ARANYA PRISON!


The Adorable guinea pigs, Coffee and Tea, died of 
pneumonia. Guinea pigs can get pneumonia from lack of vitamin C.
Their food contains Vitamin C, and they ate plenty enough of it.
The food experiences vitamin degradation when the it's improperly stored or the temperature is too high, though.
The house in which the piggies lived in had an airconditioning problem. While the temperature was
okay for the guinea pigs, Maybe the food lost its vitamins from the heat. The guinea pigs had vitamin defficiency, 
and soon got pneumonia. 

Tea was found dead in her cage. Coffee was found alive, but very sick. Immediate Vet examination followed through.
Coffee's ear infection was too bad, and the chances of her surviving were low. The Vet overdosed her with evil drugs
until she fainted and died. The Guinea pigs are now buried in Benjamin Goertzel's front yard, along with a gerbil
and a fish who died in 2005.